FROM: Donald J Trump
I guess congratulations are in order, even though the cardinals wanted a bleeding-heart liberal, socialist, marxist as pope. At least you’re partly American, less all the time you spent in a third world country as that is really suspect. There are brown people down there, did you even know that?
Since I auditioned for your job (see White House post with me in papal robes) you are probably awed by me even though the cardinals only picked you because they thought two jobs might be a stretch for me. I told them it wouldn’t be, because when I’m not being cruel to women, LGBTQ+, and ethnic minorities or rigging the 2026-28 elections I spend most of my time on the golf course. But you’re probably not secure enough in your masculinity, because of all your empathy and all, to meet me in person. I get that. Well, I don’t really because I’m proud of never having thoughts of shame or inadequacy in my entire life.
I guess you and your brothers didn’t get the message the other day. I hear MAGA sent each of you an expensive bottle of wine and a promise that conservative Catholics in the USA would raise a billion dollars for the church if you voted for my choice for il pepe or whatever you CATHOLIC DO-GOODERS call the top gig. But no, you made the wrong choice… AGAIN.
So here are my terms. Vatican City will have a tariff rate of 1,000 percent unless you promise to undo all DEI activities in ithe Church, stop feeding the hungry, housing the homeless, healing the sick and protecting the environment. All Cardinals, Archbishops, Bishops and Priests must refuse to celebrate Mass for women, gays and illegal immigrants (which includes green cards).
Everyone in your employ must send Elon Musk a detailed inventory of everything they do each week, including content of all confessions with full name and contact info. Or I WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE AWAY YOUR CHARITABLE STATUS AND SEIZE ALL CHURCH PROPERTY IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
Again, congratulations and as long as you abide by my rules, in six months we may be able to talk about a potential tariff reduction. IF you only speak ENGLISH from now on, no more Italian, Spanish, Portuguese or especially Latin.
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!! DJT
Cooking with Dee 