I’ve been out of the writing game a bit and one of my favorite news sources is currently unavailable to me. In catching up I ran across a couple of recent executive orders that might be of interest. Executive Orders 2,341,692 and 2,341,695, to be exact.
The White House
Establishing the Advisory Council of “Getting Me The Stuff I Really Want When No One Else Can Do It”
By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, it is hereby ordered:
Section 1. Policy I want a lot of stuff done that no-one seems to be able to do for me. People tell me I already have lots of stuff, like power and immunity and the ability to strongarm nations and companies who give me and my family perks, but only $3.4 billion so far and I want more. I deserve more.
Section 2. Establishment. There is hereby established within the Executive Office of the President said Council on my Stuff to be led by my dear friend and mentor, Roger Stone to include six of his equally politically ruthless colleagues as he deems fit.
Section 3. Functions. The first task of the Council will be to get me a goddamn Noble Peace Prize! Obama got one and I deserve at least six or seven, even I forget how many lasting peace accords I’ve created and nurtured for decades, and I’ve only been here a few months. The Council will advise me what to do (bomb something, threaten allies, whatever it takes); and work behind the scenes doing their magic to get me that prize.
… followed by boilerplate language required by my lawyers….
The second Executive Order is even more interesting, to wit:
By the authority vested in me yada yada yada… increasing the purview of the Advisory Council on Getting Me The Stuff I Really Want When No One Else Can Do It”
Section 1. Policy. I’m sick and tired of all these boring ICE raids and the only reason I really want a cage match in the Rose Garden for our nation’s 250th anniversary is to give Ivanka something to do. Plus, there aren’t enough living people in the USA I trust to do my bidding every second of the day, day in and day out. Chairman (Roger) Stone has proposed and was able to secure dead people to help get me into heaven!
These people are not IN heaven, of course. This Executive Order authorizes Chairman Stone, with the cooperation of Roy Cohn and Lee Atwater, to escape the fires of Hell with a few of their trusted allies, raid the home of St. Peter and get the keys to the Pearly Gates. After this is accomplished, they all will be, upon my authority, transferred to heaven and on call to welcome me when it is my time to join their merry band of thieves.
The Advisory Council will also assure that the axiom “you can’t take it with you” does not apply to Donald J Trump. I want it all, forever.
Caveat: the Advisory Council is only authorized to begin the “Heaven’s Gate” project once I have the Noble Prize in hand.
THE WHITE HOUSE
Cooking with Dee 