Changes

We decided to get married on Monday night and sealed the deal that Saturday morning then went home to call our folks. I ordered rings, we got my husband a new shirt and tie and had his hair cut, I had my hair cut and highlighted. I rented a dress and arranged for hair and makeup the morning of the wedding and to have my love be taken care of by the Navy Captain (USN Ret) and his wife “the Admiral” as everyone still calls her. Capt. J married us and it was very emotional to ask him to do so.

I just talked to a young groom, and told him not to be nervous, it’s only the rest of his life! Seriously. I did say not to think of work for a couple of weeks, no matter what my husband, his colleague, says.

On our mission, we chose the wedding site less than 24 hours before the event and poached a site overlooking the Pacific for 20 minutes, there were only eight of us but I knew the Parks department would never allow me on the beach even walking alone. No outstanding warrants, they just didn’t like me because I was trying to get the City Council to give dogs legal space in public parks.

I remember clinking of my wedding band in the sink, we had no dishwasher in the “Barbie House.” I thought I broke a dish when the ring clinked. We dealt with finances, taxes and bank accounts. I learned that I could buy him everything but pants and shoes. Then I learned that there is one type of loafer I could order in the same size every six months and those were his leisure and dog-walking shoes.

Over ten years later I don’t regret a moment of our 11.5 year relationship except not having a “real” wedding. Not for us, for our parents. We decided early on that the marriage was far more important than one grand day, I didn’t need to be a princess and it was OK that he booked us into an old folks home for our wedding night. That’s another story. Luckily he brought our new DVD player so as he took a hardware store’s worth of bobby pins out of my hair, we watched a few movies.

Things change over the years, age and wisdom, thought and compromise come into play. I cannot imagine how young people do this. There’s a morphing. He was too calculating and methodical. I was intellectual but overly emotional and involved in saving the world.

Now we both can usually frame a discussion based on facts. Example, when we moved, I did a cost of living comparison and looked at sample places to live. We came here because of my ingenuity and I set him up to sample a place with rental furniture in 24 hours. Did I cry leaving our friends? No. Are we still in touch? Yes.

In the end it’s a matter of knowing each other. I finish his sentences and know what he likes to eat. Marriage is a familiarity you don’t even have with closest siblings.

Yes, the bride magazines always show the couple lying on the sofa reading the paper together. Right. Never happens. First of all he’s too tall for any sofa. I’m not Betty Crocker in an apron but I do cook for us because we’d starve or he’d order in or go to a local haunt.

Division of labor is key to a harmonious life. Who does what best, and how can we deal with …. the dog? We adopted a very young pup nearly ten years ago and I have 90% responsibility and he tries to take her out quickly late at night so I don’t have to be out there in danger.

Good luck, young people, on this journey. It may not be easy but can be joyful, emotionally fulfilling and worth the work. I know when to take my husband’s hand or arm whether on ice or a dry street, and don’t even need to look. We just know each other so well that we think like the other and act.

We hope you’re that way too. Congratulations H & M. Cheers from us, Dee